


The Five Stages of Letting Go

by phenomenology



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Space family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2015-06-19
Packaged: 2018-03-29 02:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3879112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phenomenology/pseuds/phenomenology
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(Alternate Fire Across the Galaxy ending) Hera and her crew deal with the loss of a friend. It's hard to move on, but Hera learns that letting go isn't supposed to be an easy thing to do. And having support is the best thing to get through the pain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much to Beck for beta reading this! Also, Happy May the 4th!

* * *

  _Can you hear the crowd?_  
_They all go wild_  
_For you and your denial_  
_They're watching you break down._

~ _For You, and Your Denial_ Yellowcard

* * *

 

Things had finally settled down for a moment, long enough for Hera to sit back in her chair on the _Ghost_. She watched as the blur of hyperspace rushed by through the viewport before her. Alone in the cockpit, Hera closed her eyes and tried to quiet her thoughts.

Since leaving the Mustafar system, and the crew meeting Fulcrum – or Ahsoka now – Hera felt as if she hadn’t had a moment to breathe, to process the facts and events that had transgressed on Tarkin’s Star Destroyer. She didn’t know where to begin sorting through the jumble of emotions. For now, she simply started with a headcount of her crew.

Hera knew Chopper was wheeling about in the back of the ship, trying to fix the weird bursts of static that had been coming through the comm lately. Zeb had told her earlier that he was going to be in his cabin and she hadn’t heard him moving around the ship since. Sabine was most likely in her room painting as usual, with Ezra close by, offering his assistance. And Kanan-

Shaking her head quickly, lekku bouncing and swaying with the movement, Hera banished the thought that had almost formed in the forefront of her mind. She couldn’t allow herself to think about…what had happened.

In fact, as far as Hera was concerned, the empty co-pilot’s chair was simply due to the fact that Kanan was back in his bunk, recovering from his confrontation with the Inquisitor. It must have taken quite a toll on his mind and his body. Hera shuddered to think about the kind of torture he must have been subjected to, as well. After all, Jedi were trained to hold up against most forms of torture. The Inquisitor would have known that. He would have made the treatment far more intense than the norm, for someone like Kanan. Leaving Hera to wonder just how much more.

Pushing herself up and out of her chair, Hera strode quickly to the kitchen. She forced her thoughts to keep flowing, refusing to focus on them, to let them dwell in the forefront of her mind and distract her from what was going on in the moment. Hera couldn’t afford distractions, not now and maybe not ever. So dwelling was not an option. After all, everything was…fine.

Pouring herself a cup of caf, Hera took a brisk sip of the steaming liquid as she leaned against the counter. The quiet room was a blessing as she slowly worked away at her drink.

The mantra of _no distractions_ kept running it’s way through her head. It was the only thought that she allowed her mind to focus on, to hold on to. Anything else, any flashbacks or memories were quickly pushed to the side. Anything unnecessary that would distract Hera was compartmentalized and stored away.

No distractions.

Ahsoka had given her and the crew a set of coordinates to travel to. The Togruta woman had been rather vague about what exactly they were going to do and what they would find there. But Hera trusted her plans and the way she worked. Everything would be okay.

Thinking that she might have heard one of the others coming her way, Hera shoved off the counter and started back towards the cockpit before she could encounter anyone. Hera knew that she would eventually have to speak to the others. But for now, she wanted to be alone.

Arriving back at the cockpit, Hera was startled to find Sabine sitting curled up in the co-pilot’s chair. The young Mandalorian girl had her knees drawn up to her chest and her forehead resting on top of her knees, shielding her face. Moving softly, Hera slid back into her own chair and set her mug to the side. Glancing sidelong at Sabine, who had yet to stir or acknowledge her, Hera bit her lip and wondered if she should speak up.

As the Twi’lek started checking over the monitors in front of her, making sure the ship was still okay, Sabine made a soft, choking noise. The sound drew Hera’s attention towards the teen.

Sabine had raised her face up a bit, her chin now propped on top of her kneecap. The girl’s face was streaked with tearstains and she stared forlornly out at hyperspace. Sabine’s breath hitched in her throat for a moment as she tried to choke down another sob.

Hera wanted to comfort Sabine, knowing exactly why she was like this. But at the same time, her was refusing to accept that she knew the reason. Didn’t Sabine know that everything was fine? It shouldn’t be making her this upset. After all, Kanan was only –

The Twi’lek’s breath suddenly caught in her throat and her eyes stung with a sudden and intense sharpness. A tremor worked its way from her very core and spread to her fingers, the tremble in her hands scaring Hera. Raising her watery eyes to meet Sabine’s, Hera shook her head softly and pressed her lips together firmly.

“I…” Hera tried to apologize for her appearance, for her silly weakness that she couldn’t seem to control anymore. The tears were flowing freely down her cheeks now and she sobbed violently into the hand she had pressed over her mouth.

Sabine was on her feet and hugging Hera close before the Twi’lek even knew what was happening. Whatever wall she had been building up was now rubble. The compartmentalized memories had broken free and were now swirling around chaotically before Hera’s eyes.

_They had taken a wrong turn, arriving at the hyperdrive core room and finding a battle between Kanan and the Inquisitor raging on the platforms below them. Hera could see Ezra working his way up to the pair from a lower platform and she wondered why he was down there. But then things had taken a turn. Something had distracted him, something had pulled his focus away from the fight and that had been the fatal moment. The moment when Kanan’s guard had been let down just enough to let the Inquisitor’s crimson saber pierce his chest._

_Hera hadn’t remembered screaming or even moving; but one moment she had been a level above the fight, and the next she was by Kanan’s side, her throat feeling raw and torn. She had cradled Kanan’s head in her lap as the Inquisitor stood above her, a mocking gloat painted across his features. Hera sobbed harshly and ran her thumb across Kanan’s cheek as someone above her engaged the Inquisitor in battle._

_It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not-_

Hera broke off into another harsh sob, leaning into Sabine’s embrace. She held the younger girl close as they both sobbed into each other’s shoulders. They released the pain and the heartbreak that had been bottling up inside of their chests for almost three days now. Ahsoka’s plan and her instructions had called for complete focus with no room for emotional distractions of any kind. So they had bottled it up and shoved it aside.

But now, in the comforting silence of hyperspace, the two released the pain and the denial and simply took reassurance from the fact that they were not suffering alone.

Hera’s chest felt like it was repeatedly constricting with every breath she took in and breaking open with every breath she pushed out. She struggled to take in a proper lungful of air, each sob being cut short as it hitched painfully in her throat on its way out.

Sabine’s hand rubbing Hera’s back in soothing circles was the only thing keeping Hera grounded at the moment. The gesture was something that Hera could physically focus on and use as an anchor to try and pull back from the brink of hysteria. She kept telling herself that it wasn’t real, that she was going to be okay.

The denial and Sabine’s presence eventually grounded Hera enough that she could straighten up and wipe the hot tears from her cheeks. She managed to take a few deep, steadying breaths as Sabine did the same. They eventually met each other’s eyes and seemed to come to a certain understanding. Whatever it was that burdened them, they shared the load. What had happened to Kanan had happened to all of them.

“Hera,” Sabine said after a moment, her voice rough and cracked from the crying. “I know what you’re doing, I can see it. And you need to stop.”

At Hera’s confused and startled look, Sabine settled down into the co-pilot’s chair and faced Hera, her puffy eyes locked firmly onto the Twi’lek’s.

“You’re in denial. That’s how you pulled yourself back just now. That’s how you kept it together before now and that’s how you’re still in one piece. You keep telling yourself it isn’t real, that everything’s okay. But it’s not.” Hera winced sharply, almost as if Sabine had slapped her, but the teen kept talking. “I know that none of us want to think like this but…it’s not okay. Kanan’s…gone and we need to keep moving. Ahsoka’s given us a directive, and we’re heading there now, but you need to find a better way to deal with this than denial.”

Hera stared at Sabine for a moment and then smiled softly, lowering her eyes to her hands, which were folded in her lap.

“I feel like I should be the one giving you this speech, Sabine. But you always were a strong-willed girl.”

“Yeah well, I’ve had a lot of practice.”

Hera raised her eyes to study the young girl sitting across from her. Sabine wasn’t looking at Hera, focusing instead on something she was fiddling with in her hands.

“You’re talking about what happened to your family, aren’t you?” Hera eventually asked, her voice soft and her tone gentle. Despite the gentleness, Hera could still see Sabine’s shoulder’s tense up.

“I know I haven’t told you the whole story, but I’m not one to share gory details. You know what the Empire did. You know how they took my family away, turned them against me, and destroyed them. The Empire ruined my life. That’s not something you just get over.”

Sabine took a deep, trembling breath, trying to steady herself. “I told myself for years that my family couldn’t have meant what they said, what they did to me. I told myself that it was because of the Empire. They must have been brainwashed. But I knew that they didn’t possess that kind of power, even with the Sith Lords on their side. They wouldn’t use a Sith Lord on something so trivial as my family in the whole grand scheme of things. I knew that, and I still denied it. Eventually I realized that my family knew what they were doing. They had been convinced of lies, but it was all them.”

Hera sat quietly, listening to the story that she had already heard. Sabine’s broken expression was a sign that she had still yet to get over everything that had happened back then. And Hera understood the pain.

“My point is,” Sabine said at last. “Is that denial isn’t going to help you. It’s just going to make it hurt even worse when you finally decide to accept what happened. You need to move on now, Hera. You need to accept it.”

Hera met Sabine’s imploring gaze. The Twi’lek’s eyes were filled with distress as she said in a strained voice, “I know that he’s gone. But I’m not ready to accept that yet. Whatever it takes to get the job we’ve been assigned done, I’m going to do it.”

Sabine looked like she was about to protest, her mouth opening slightly and her eyes sparking with a flare of annoyance at Hera’s stubbornness. But she stopped, closed her mouth and nodded her head. Something in Hera’s expression must have told Sabine that there was no changing Hera’s mind.

“I’ll go and get ready for our assignment then. I estimate we only have a few minutes left in hyperspace?” Sabine questioned as she stood and started out of the cockpit.

“Yes, we’ll be there soon,” Hera said softly, turning back to the monitor before her and reading the information that was displayed there. “Ahsoka said we would be briefed entirely when we arrived. She was unable to tell us much back on the transport so we all need to be present. Could you tell Ezra and Zeb that for me?”

“Sure,” Sabine said over her shoulder as the door to the cockpit slid shut behind her.

When Hera was alone again, she propped her elbows on the console before her and buried her face in her hands. The Twi’lek fought the stinging threat of oncoming tears and swallowed past the lump in her throat. She refused to start crying again, no matter how much she wanted to let out all of her pain.

Hera knew that Sabine was right, that her denial would eventually come back to haunt her, but right now she didn’t care. Right now, Hera wanted to make her choices in the moment and not worry about the lasting effect. She wanted to get her job done and make the Empire pay for everything it had done, for everything that it had taken, including Kanan.

So for now, Hera would deny the facts. For now, Kanan was resting in his bunk, recovering from the harrowing events on the Star Destroyer. For now, Kanan would be okay. And Hera, she could keep going.


	2. Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to my wonderful beta reader Beck, who I would never be able to post quality work without. And who apparently cried over this chapter so enjoy! :D

* * *

  _Oh lover hold on 'til I come back again_  
_For these arms are growing tired_  
_..._  
_All the anger will settle down_  
_And we'll go do all the things we should have done_

~ _Duet_ Rachel Yamagata

* * *

The mission sounded as if it would be almost as short as the briefing had been. Ahsoka's contact in the Raydonia system had briefly given them the map of the town they were going to and explained their directive. Hera and her crew were to infiltrate the town and gather as many supplies as they could and get out without engaging the stormtroopers or any sort of Imperial officer there more than they needed to.

If Hera was being honest, the mission felt almost insulting, considering what they had been sent to do on some of their more recent missions. But at the same time, she understood why the mission was so simple, so straightforward. Ahsoka was being cautious. The Togruta woman had to be sure that Hera and her team were still able to function after what had occurred in the Mustafar system. However, Hera couldn't help but feel a slight twinge of anger building inside her at the doubts being placed on her and her crew.

Raydonia was a forest planet, covered mostly in exotic plants that came in all sorts of vibrant and luminous colors. The flora of this world was rather thick but open spaces could be found among the vegetation, both natural clearings and areas cleared away by machines. Hera easily set the _Ghost_ down in one of these open areas on the forest planet's surface. There was a small village nearby that, according to the contact, was freshly stocked with Imperial supplies. And that was where they were heading. Hera had already briefed the crew as to what was going to happen. Unfortunately, they were down a set of hands so Hera was leaving Chopper in charge of the ship and their getaway. Grabbing her blaster, Hera tapped Chopper on her way out, receiving a whir and chirp from her astromech as she left.

As she had instructed, Zeb and Ezra had gone on ahead on their shared speeder and Sabine was waiting for her at the ramp with the other one. Mounting the seat behind the Mandalorian girl, Hera held on as Sabine swiftly put the bike into gear, speeding away through the forest before them.

Hera and Sabine arrived at the nearby village in a matter of minutes, gliding to a stop near the edge of the forest of brightly colored, alien trees. Sabine parked the bike near some thick, luminescent underbrush before following Hera swiftly into the village. The almost constant reddish grey overcast of the planet's sky made it hard to tell what time it was, but the streets served as a good way to guess. The market square was mostly deserted, save for a few hopeful vendors, stray customers, and the normal load of stormtroopers. The troopers, clad in white and black armor, were methodically moving crates from a hovercart and into a large storage area in one of the low buildings. That seemed to be the only real activity in the village.

Just as Hera was beginning to wonder where her distraction was, Ezra came bolting out from the shadows and launched himself over the heads of the troopers, landing among some of them and shooting at a few with the blaster worked into the hilt of his saber.

"You call yourselves troopers? Ha! Come and get me, bucketheads!" Ezra crowed tauntingly, flinging the insult over his shoulder. The boy then rushed off deeper into the town with several troopers on his heels.

Hera was frozen in fear, her eyes wide and breaths shallow. She didn't know why, but watching the blast from Ezra's saber had pulled her back unwillingly to Tarkin's Star Destroyer. She watched Kanan fire Ezra's blaster at the Inquisitor, advancing on the Pa'uan with both his own and Ezra's lightsabers in hand. Hera wanted to cry out, to warn Kanan to stay away from the Inquisitor. She knew what was going to happen, Hera knew that if Kanan kept advancing towards the Sith apprentice, she was going to lose him.

_No,_ she thought desperately. _No, no, no, no!_

"Hera!" Sabine's voice cut through the Twi'lek's terror induced vision. "Hera! Snap out of it and get moving! Zeb's already led the other troopers away! We need to go now!"

Hera gasped sharply and looked up at Sabine, her confused green eyes finding only the visor of Sabine's Mandalorian helmet. She roughly shook her head and pushed herself to her feet. Hera could tell that Sabine was watching her with concern and confusion through her visor. Shaking off the younger girl, Hera readied her blaster and sprinted towards the abandoned supplies.

Hera and Sabine worked together quickly, getting as much as they could from the storage unit back onto the cart attached to a speeder bike. Once Hera was satisfied that they had gotten enough to call the mission worthwhile, the Twi'lek grabbed Sabine's arm, pulling her back from entering the storage unit again.

"We've got enough! Go back to the bike and start for the ship. Make sure you aren't being followed. I'll be right behind you to cover you." Hera deftly mounted the speeder bike and started it up.

"Shouldn't I be covering you? You're the one with the supplies after all!" Sabine protested, not budging from where she stood next to Hera.

"We'll cover each other, then! Just move or none of us are getting out of here!" Hera barked at Sabine, surprising herself with her own intensity. Sabine hesitated for a moment longer before deciding it wasn't worth arguing over. The teen sprinted for the bike they had left in the underbrush earlier and leaped onto the seat, gunning the speeder into gear.

As Hera followed closely behind Sabine, she reached for her comm link and activated it.

"Spectre 4, Spectre 6, we're clear. Head for the rendezvous point and we'll pick you up." Hera replaced her comm link and waited for the confirmation to come through as she expertly steered her speeder and load through the thick, fluorescent trees.

"Copy that!" Zeb called through the comm, the sound of blaster fire peppering the background of his short transmission. "On my way!"

"Got it!" Ezra's voice followed quickly behind Zeb's, his reply sounded breathless, leading Hera to believe that he was still running from the troopers, probably leading them on a wild goose chase.

Hera and Sabine boarded the ship without encountering any problems, surprisingly. They both abandoned their bikes and the cargo in the ship's hold. Sabine head quickly for the nose gun, taking up her position as Hera raced back to the cockpit. Chopper had already started the take off sequence for the Ghost, lifting the freighter into the air.

The Twi'lek slipped into the pilot's chair, taking control from Chopper as he wheeled away to handle the rear gun. Flipping switches absentmindedly, the movements like second nature to Hera, she steered the ship towards the edge of the village, preparing to pick up Ezra and Zeb up.

Pulling the ship to a stop, hovering above the rendezvous point, Hera flipped a few switches and began lowering the ramp. Not too long after, Ezra and Zeb came sprinting around opposite corners down below. Both boys made a mad dash for the ramp, pushing off the ground and clamoring on top of roofs to get themselves closer to the extended ramp hovering just above them. Ezra turned back to the small crowd of stormtroopers tailing them, firing into their numbers, as Zeb clamored up onto the ship. One trooper near the middle of the group took the hit from Ezra's lightsaber blaster and collapsed backwards into a couple of troopers behind him. Ezra laughed triumphantly and turned to Zeb, who helped Ezra haul himself aboard.

At the confirmation via the ship wide comm, Hera pulled the ramp up and she made their escape, disappearing into the atmosphere and activating the _Ghost's_ scrambler. Ahsoka's contact was a few klicks out into space once they left the atmosphere, a large transport ship hovering in space and awaiting their arrival.

* * *

Hera stomped into the cockpit and huffed aggressively as she sat down in her chair. Biting back the bubbling anger in her chest, Hera shook her head briskly as she urged the _Ghost_ into hyperspace, leaving the Raydonia system behind. They had just finished delivering the supplies to Ahsoka's contact for redistribution among the poorer citizens of that system. Now they were moving on.

The ship was quiet now. The crew hadn't really interacted as a whole since...what had happened. Hera hadn't really realized it before now, but Kanan had been an essential part of everyone's interaction aboard the freighter. Sure, they all knew how to interact, but Kanan had had this special something that seemed to effortlessly bring them together. It was almost like he was patching together a quilt with colors and shapes that shouldn't work together, but somehow did under his guidance.

And now...

Deciding that she'd had enough of her lonesome and depressing thoughts, Hera shoved herself roughly from the pilot's chair and made for the kitchenette just down the corridor. She felt so restless, her face warm and her chest boiling with something that she just needed to let out.

Once in the kitchen, Hera hastily grabbed for a mug from one of the storage cabinets. As she was moving to place it on the countertop in front of her, the Twi'lek's distracted thoughts and reckless movements caught up to her. The mug slipped from between her fingers and fell to the floor. The durable mug clattered loudly and fine cracks appeared like a spider web across the rim where it had stuck the floor. Aside from the noise and the small fractures, the mug was relatively undamaged.

But Hera just stood there, staring down at the mug with absolute fury, her eyes watering, hands curling and uncurling into fists as she fought the expanding anger pushing against her chest. The mug wasn't broken but why did the stupid thing have to fall in the first place? Hera had just wanted to pour herself a cup of coffee and try to quell the anger inside of her. But then that damn mug had to go and fall to the floor and -

Hera suddenly became aware of the hot tears dripping down her cheeks when she looked up to see Zeb standing in the doorway. He was staring at her with a mixture of confusion and sympathy playing across his features.

"I uh, I heard a noise from in here so I came to make sure Chop wasn't getting into trouble." Zeb tried for a chuckle, but the attempt fell short and his false smile fell. He knew that Hera wasn't in the mood, that none of them really were, for joking. The Lasat moved forward with concern as Hera sank to her knees on the cool metal floor of the _Ghost_.

"How do you do it, Zeb?" Hera whispered in a strained and choked voice. She looked up with broken, angry, tear-filled eyes as he crouched in front of her on the floor.

"How do I do what?" Zeb asked in bewilderment. He was starting to wonder if Hera was really fit to be leading the crew, let alone flying the ship, right now. But he waited for her to gather herself and continue, giving her the chance to explain herself.

"How do you deal with the anger? All of the emotions and the pain, what do you do with it?" Hera was cut off by a harsh sob, her entire being racked with the force behind it as she tried in vain to suppress the sound.

Zeb's confusion melted away and he settled down more comfortably on the floor, knowing that he was probably going to be here for a while. The large Lasat watched Hera sob into her hands for a few moments, patiently giving her the time she needed to compose herself so she would be able to understand and listen to him. When the Twi'lek finally raised her puffy, reddened eyes to his own, he heaved out a sigh.

"Well, I'm probably not the best role model when it comes to dealing with anger, but it's not something that you can ignore. If you do ignore it, it's going to just eat you up inside until you're nothing but that anger." Pausing to take a deep breath, Zeb steeled himself and continued. "When the Empire came and destroyed my home, my planet, I was beyond angry. I was furious and I wanted revenge. I wanted to...to kill any Imperial I laid eyes on. Eventually I realized that in killing Imperials, it made me no better than them. So I channeled my anger into fighting against what the Empire stood for. And yeah, sometimes our missions get messy, but I'm not taking them out simply because of my anger. My anger and pain drives me to keep fighting."

"Does it ever go away?" Hera asked in a small voice. The Twi'lek had her arms encircled around her torso. The fury that had risen up in her chest earlier had subsided but she could still feel the threatening presence of the heat in her chest.

Zeb gave her a noncommittal shrug. "Honestly, some days are better than others. Sometimes you don't feel it at all and sometimes it comes out of nowhere and completely overpowers you. It all depends."

Hera curled in on herself, wondering how she was ever going to deal with this anger if it was going to be this constant.

"It seems ridiculous, but I'm just so furious," Hera said, her eyes trained on the floor from her curled up position. "I'm furious with Kanan. I don't know why I am but he's gone and it's like he's left this huge hole in my - in our - lives. I don't want to blame him because I know he was fighting to save us, to save everyone but I can't help it. And then I feel guilty about hating him and then I get even more furious about feeling guilty. And the worst part is, I don't know where to put all of it. It's just roiling up inside of me."

Hera broke off with a short sob, covering her mouth with her hands and rocking back and forth slightly. Her eyes began to well up with fresh tears and she shook her head, lekku falling over her shoulders with the motion. As Hera sat there, Zeb reached out and put his large hand on her shoulder, pulling Hera's distressed gaze back up to his.

"I think I might have a way to help you let all that anger out. Follow me," Zeb pushed himself to his feet and started off down the corridor. Hera watched him for a moment, wondering what he was doing. Her curiosity won out and the Twi'lek pushed herself up from the floor. Hera's limbs felt lethargic and heavy and she almost sat back down next to the discarded mug. But the fiery anger was still burning and itching in her sternum, compelling her to follow Zeb.

By the time Hera caught up to the Lasat, he was in the ship's cargo hold, pulling something out of one of the storage units. It was an old, battered looking thing that had obviously seen much better days. It was long and tall, covered in a ratty material that was patched up in several places. Zeb propped said item against the wall and turned to face Hera.

"What is that thing?" Hera asked, scrunching her nose up at it. "And how long have you had it?"

Zeb chortled at Hera's expression and gestured to the beat up item. "This is what I call anger management. It's filled with a soft, pliable material so you can punch it as hard as you want without injuring yourself. I've had it for a while, actually. Kanan..." Zeb trailed off, his eyes dimming as Hera watched him set his jaw.

"He and I found it in some old marketplace years ago," Zeb continued. "We got it because we both felt that maybe we had something that we needed to work out, in a way that let us blow off steam without actually hurting anyone. Or putting ourselves at risk. You're welcome to use it. You just...punch it until you feel better."

Hera glanced up at Zeb before hesitantly walking over to the beat up punching bag, studying it for a moment. Sighing through her nose, Hera decided it couldn't hurt to try. Dropping into a well-ingrained fighting stance, Hera readied her fists and threw a sharp punch at the bag. The first blow landed easily with not much pressure on the receiving end. So the next strike the Twi'lek made was heavier, packing more power behind the throw of her fist. This time she felt the impact, though it was still soft underneath her knuckles. Soon Hera was throwing rapid, heavy punches, her anger boiling over and focusing on this limp, battered thing in front of her.

Thoughts raced through her mind, pushing to the front and demanding attention as she became angrier and angrier, directing her emotions towards the bag. Hera felt furious that the Inquisitor had been so smug as to smile triumphantly down at her after he struck Kanan down. She was pissed off at Ahsoka and her cautious nature in giving Hera and her crew a mission that was easy enough for a couple of teenagers to pull off almost entirely on their own. Hera was outraged that she had to suppress her emotions for her crew, for Ahsoka, so she could keep working through the rebellion.

But most of all, Hera resented herself. There was a deep seated anger roiling inside of the Twi'lek, and it was directed at herself. She hated herself for being unable to save Kanan, for being upset at Kanan for not being around, and for the guilt that she then felt for being upset with him. As all of these thoughts ran through her head, Hera continued to pummel the bag with her fists, all of her pent up rage pouring out with every blow.

Eventually, her punching subsided and she collapsed to her knees, sobbing roughly. Hot tears streaked down her cheeks and she wiped at them listlessly, her knuckles feeling rough and were slowly going numb. It stung in certain places across her knuckles, but she found that the physical pain was actually distracting her from the emotional turmoil inside of her.

Hera suddenly became aware of Zeb crouching in front of her, holding out a hand for her, a roll of wrapping bandages in his other hand. Hera dropped one of her stinging hands into Zeb's allowing him to start wrapping them up, the thin, light-weight material feeling almost non-existent across her knuckles.

"We can't bring Kanan back," Zeb said as he continued wrapping, moving on to Hera's other hand. "We couldn't save him and now we're all here without him. It's going to be hard to accept, it's going to make everyone upset and angry. But we have to find a way to deal with it."

Hera looked up at Zeb sluggishly, her eyelids and limbs feeling heavy. The lack of rushing fury inside of her made Hera feel empty and exhausted. Zeb pulled Hera to her feet and told her to go back to her cabin and actually sleep. He would take care of the ship until she was rested up. Too exhausted to protest, Hera's feet dragged her back to her cabin, boots scuffing along the metal flooring as she went.

Hera's cabin door slid open with a hiss, allowing her to enter the dimly lit room. Her cabin still had traces of Kanan's presence scattered about. One of his shirts lay in a heap on the floor from the last time he had spent the night with her. Kanan never slept with a shirt on, and for Hera who liked to curl up against his side, it was comforting to feel his warm skin against hers. Across the room on her desk, Kanan's old deck of Sabacc cards lay strewn across the surface. And Hera swore through her fatigued haze that she could still smell Kanan's musk in the air.

With heavy movements, Hera kicked off her boots and scooped up Kanan's shirt, holding it close to her chest as she collapsed onto her bunk. She held the cold, slightly wrinkled fabric up to her face, breathing in Kanan's scent and taking a small amount of comfort in it. Curling in on herself, Hera felt fresh tears beginning to pool in her eyes. The Twi'lek wondered if she would ever have enough of crying.

Now that Hera had worked out most of her anger, all that she could feel was the biting loneliness inside her as she sobbed quietly, clutching Kanan's shirt close to her chest. As she finally drifted off to sleep, Hera wished that she could take back all the anger she had felt at Kanan. Hera hoped that if she did, maybe Kanan would come back to her. Her irrational thought was the last thing she remembered before falling asleep.


	3. Bargaining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the lovely candiedrhododendrons and Liz for beta reading this chapter. It was really roughly written at first because I threw it together at different times because I graduated yesterday so the past two weeks have been crazy. They encouraged me and were patient with my crappy drafts but here's the final thing! Yay! Enjoy!

* * *

  _Something went wrong_  
_I made a deal with the devil for an empty I.O.U._

_~ The Reason _ Celine Dion

* * *

Hera’s eyelids fluttered open as she struggled to regain consciousness. It took a measure of effort, a grunt escaping her as she rolled onto her side, the sheets warmth surrounding her. Sometimes she still instinctively rolled towards where Kanan used to lie next to her before she was even fully awake. As she did that now, the familiar pang of heartache slammed into her when she found his spot empty. Her first coherent thought was, _if only I had been quicker._

She knew that at this point it didn’t matter. It was far too late for "if only". But still, she couldn’t help but wonder. Would it have been any different if she _had_ been quicker? If she had found Kanan facing off with the Inquisitor sooner? What might have occurred had she called out to Kanan or to Ezra upon finding them? She wondered what might have happened had she actually done something useful...something other than scream desperately as she watched Kanan... _die_.

Hera wished that she could turn back the clock and have a second chance to make things right. Maybe then, Kanan would be alive right now, curled up next to her, safely sleeping where she could reach out and touch him.

Clenching the blankets in her fist, she shook her head from side to side as she lay staring upward. Hera knew that she couldn't afford to think like this right now, not when they were about to meet with Ahsoka to discuss their next assignment. But she couldn't seem to stop. Pushing herself out of bed, Hera ran her hands briskly over her face, pausing to rub at her eyes before she tried to focus on getting ready.

_If only I had tried harder, done something different...maybe Kanan wouldn't have been captured in the first place._

Hera wanted these thoughts to console her, hoping that in imagining better “if only” scenarios, that maybe they would make her feel better about what actually happened. But considering the alternate possibilities only made her feel worse and worse. Biting back the threat of tears, Hera forced her mind to focus on getting dressed.

It was slow going, the Twi'lek's movements lethargic and heavy with grief and guilt as she tugged on her gloves and boots. When she was finished, Hera decided that maybe a cup of caf would do her some good.

Palming the door, Hera paused to let it slide open with a hiss before making her way to the galley. The ship was quiet, everyone else was either still asleep or not in the mood to hold conversation. It had been like that for the past two weeks. Ezra was becoming more and more stoic as the time passed, causing Hera to worry. She had no idea what to say to him when she couldn't even console herself. He still spoke to Sabine and Zeb, but from what Hera could see, he was acting less and less like a child and more and more like a leader. She supposed it would be a good thing in the long run, but right now, he was still so young and Hera felt he was changing too fast.

Whenever Hera had faltered on missions these past couple of weeks, Ezra was right behind her, picking up right where she left off. Whether it was in a debrief or in the melee, Ezra was right behind her. But somehow, their communication outside of missions seemed off. Ezra was focused, but very distant from Hera. Almost like he was lost.

On the other hand, Zeb and Sabine had each found a way to cope with what was eating at them individually. Zeb still used that old punching bag when things got really tough. Sabine usually locked herself away to paint whenever the grief became too much for her to handle. But the entire crew was still far from being okay.

Hera still found it difficult to handle her emotions, even after two weeks of mourning and a couple mission assignments in an attempt to get back to normal. The missions only offered temporary distraction from the pain. Grief was not a new thing to Hera, but she found it harder to deal with losing Kanan than anything she had experienced before. And that scared her.

Hera was frightened by the fact that losing Kanan was affecting her so much. She had lost people she loved before, her family, friends, even her father. But their loss had never had such a prolonged and prominent affect on her as losing Kanan had. It had made Hera think about how much Kanan had meant to her. But that thought on its own had caused Hera so much pain that she immediately stopped thinking about it.

Sighing heavily as she poured herself a cup of caf, Hera swore that she was going to focus on this meeting with Ahsoka, and nothing else. She had to move on, she had to get herself together; for the sake of her crew and everyone in the galaxy relying on them.

As Hera raised her steaming cup to her lips, blowing on the scorching drink, Ezra came wandering into the galley. Hera couldn't be sure, but she thought she saw a flash of surprise in his stunning blue irises, as if he hadn't expected to encounter Hera at all. Nonetheless, Ezra nodded towards Hera in greeting before moving about the galley, preparing himself something to eat.

"We'll be docking in ten," Hera said, eyes trained on her mug and skipping the pleasantries. The awkward tension hanging about seemed ever present and practically stifling. It almost felt like she had forgotten how to communicate with Ezra, outside of giving commands. "Gather everyone in the cockpit before we board Ahsoka's ship. I have to go pilot."

"Sure thing," Ezra replied without looking over at Hera as she walked briskly out of the room. The Twi'lek longed to find a way to have a normal conversation with Ezra. She wasn't sure where it had gone awry, but Hera missed talking to him, and she was growing increasingly worried about the young Padawan. She had lost a friend, a lover. Ezra had lost a mentor, and practically a father.

Hera had always considered the boy almost like a son to her. But without Kanan…it was as if that bond was weakened. Like they had forgotten how to communicate.

Sliding into her chair in the cockpit, Hera began pressing buttons and flipping switches, preparing the _Ghost_ for their departure from hyperspace. Moments later, the elongated blur of the cosmos of hyperspace faded and sharpened back into focus. The stars became discernible, individual pinpricks of light again. Hera guided her ship over towards the hovering Corellian Cruiser that belonged to Ahsoka Tano.

As she prepared to dock with the Cruiser, Ezra led Sabine, Zeb, and Chopper into the cockpit, her crew filing into their seats as Hera slowly moved closer to Ahsoka's ship. Hera still couldn't help but feel a pang in her gut every time she watched Ezra slid into Kanan's chair. It was just another reminder that Kanan was gone, and he wasn't coming back this time.

"Okay," Hera said, once the _Ghost_ was successfully docked onto Ahsoka's ship. "I just wanted all of you to be aware that Ahsoka has not given me any previous instruction as to what this mission entails. I want all of you to go in with the knowledge that this could be a minor assignment or a major one. Just be prepared for that. And if any of you feel that the mission is out of your comfort zone, speak up. We can't afford to have doubts going into a risky operation. Everyone clear?"

As Hera looked around, she received nods from everyone and a series of whirring chirps and beeps from Chopper.

"Good. Let's head over."

* * *

The briefing room was rather spacious, considering there was a giant holomap taking up a large majority of the floor space. Hera and her crew filed into the room and gathered around the edges of the device, attention trained on the holographic map that Ahsoka had pulled up. As the Togruta woman launched into her debrief of the mission, Hera's thoughts began to unwillingly wander away from the discourse.

Lately she was finding it harder and harder to focus on the things in front of her. Instead her mind wove intricate fantasies of what might have transpired had she been able to save Kanan from his fate. As far as she was aware, Hera had constructed and played out about eight different fantasies in her head where Kanan was still alive by the end of the day because she had made better choices.

Hera didn't really believe in a higher power the way her grandmother and the other village elders had back on Ryloth. But she now found herself reaching out to whatever was out there, a capital- _S_ Something that may or may not have some sort of say over the events in the universe. And she prayed to that Something with every ounce of belief she could scrounge up in her soul that if it just gave her one more chance, she would do whatever was asked of her to bring Kanan back. Hera desperately pleaded with a distant and silent higher being that she didn't even have faith in to grant her one last chance.

_Please, I'll do anything. Anything you ask or anything you want. I'll take any consequence for altering the timeline I just...I want - no, I need this second chance. I just...I_ need _him back._

"Spectre 2?" Ahsoka's voice cut through the Twi'lek's desperate, silent bargaining. "Did you hear what I said?"

Hera blinked rapidly, giving herself a little shake before shifting her attention back to the holomap in front of her. She found herself to be completely lost as it registered with her that the map had moved and changed to a terrain she was unfamiliar with. Hera had no idea what had been discussed or even what their mission was at this point.

Looking up, Hera saw her crew staring at her with a mixture of confusion and worry. Turning her attention to Ahsoka, Hera stared back blankly at the Togruta's concerned gaze. "I'm sorry, Ahsoka," Hera said, her voice cracking on the way out. "I must have zoned out. I'm not sure what it is we're talking about."

To Hera's embarrassment and discomfort, Ahsoka didn't say anything in reply. She simply stared back at Hera with slightly narrowed eyes and an odd expression on her face. When the tension felt as if it were approaching a climatic breaking point, Ahsoka released Hera from her gaze and looked around at the rest of the crew.

"Would the rest of you excuse us for a few minutes? There's a guest area down the corridor that you can all wait in. This shouldn't take long."

Sabine and Zeb glanced back at Hera with worried expressions as they followed Chopper out. Ezra was the last to leave, casting a puzzled and concerned look over his shoulder for a long moment before following the others out. Hera's eyes had traveled down to glare at where her hands were now clenched firmly onto the raised edge of the holomap device. She listened as Ahsoka's footsteps tapped their way over from the opposite side of the large map device to stand next to her.

"It's Kanan, isn't it?" Ahsoka asked in a gentle voice, barely above a whisper. The soft, sympathetic tone was enough to make Hera break. She felt her knees collapse underneath her as she slid to the floor, a sob wracking its way out of her chest. The Togruta woman knelt down next to Hera and made herself comfortable on the floor beside her.

After giving Hera a few moments of silence to compose herself, Ahsoka asked, "What were you bargaining for?"

Hera shot Ahsoka a confused and bewildered look. She would never get used to how acutely attuned the Jedi were to the Force and, as Kanan had told her, the binds it created to all those around them. Shaking her head, lekku dipping and bobbing as she did, Hera let out a shaky sigh before answering.

"A second chance. I was asking for a second chance to try and save Kanan from the Inquisitor. But, how did you know?"

Ahsoka turned her head so she was facing straight ahead, her eyes following the movement. "I used to do the same thing. I left the Jedi Order a little under a year before Order 66 was enacted. For months afterward, I was constantly asking myself, what if? What if I had stayed? What if I had gone back? What if I had been there to help? What if? What if? What if? It was all I could think about for a while. I almost lost the truth of what actually happened to my delusional fantasies of what I thought might have happened, had circumstances been different."

Hera's full attention was locked onto Ahsoka as the Togruta woman spoke. She had yet to have been privileged enough to hear much about Ahsoka's life before the rebellion, and she wanted to learn as much as she could about Ahsoka's past, as well as the advice she could offer.

"After a while, however," Ahsoka continued. "I realized that none of those 'what if' scenarios mattered. I begged and pleaded with the Force, and with whatever higher power was out there, to turn back time and give me another chance. Maybe I could have stopped what happened," Ahsoka's voice darkened at that last part, making Hera wonder if she knew more about the events of Order 66 than she was letting on. "But none of it mattered. Because it was in the past. In the here and now, I have no power, none of us do, to change what has already happened."

Hera looked down at her gloved hands, tears welling up anew in her eyes. She already knew that everything Ahsoka was saying was true. But it was still painful to be reminded that she was unable to aid Kanan anymore.

"But," Ahsoka continued, noticing Hera's despondent look. "We can still change and shape our present and future. So once I learned that, I took my "what if" fantasies and applied them to how I act now. For example, what if I _am_ there to help? You have to find a way to move on, to take all the pain that you feel and sharpen it, give it form and purpose. Let everything flow over you and shape you."

Ahsoka met Hera's wide-eyed gaze and offered her a small smile. "Let what happens shape you, but do not let it break you. Take whatever it is you're feeling about Kanan, stop trying to make empty deals, and do something good. For example, pay attention while I catch you up on the debrief, and then lead your team successfully through this mission."

Hera stared back at Ahsoka for a long moment, feeling a little astonished and overwhelmed at receiving first hand advice from a Jedi. But Hera knew that Ahsoka was right. After a moment, Hera nodded solemnly and allowed Ahsoka to help her to her feet.

"Okay," Hera said as she pushed out a sigh. "Catch me up on this debrief."

As Ahsoka launched back into her explanation, Hera found herself able to actually focus on what was being said. She pushed aside the creeping thoughts of "what if" and "if only" and focused her attention on the map that had been pulled up again.

Once Hera had been updated, Ahsoka called the others back in. Hera could feel their anxious gazes weighing her down as if the emotions were tangible. She raised her eyes to theirs and gave them a reassuring nod before drawing her attention back to Ahsoka, who had continued her debrief.

When they had finished up, Hera realized that after her talk with Ahsoka, she had been able to actually focus entirely on the plan. It was a small step forward, but Hera felt that in casting away the feeble defense of her empty bargains against the onslaught of grief, she could perhaps start to move on. She was slowly working her way through this turmoil. And while she still missed Kanan deeply and painfully, it was starting to get a little bit easier to bear.


	4. Depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long to update. I've been discouraged lately due to events in my personal life. In the end, I turned that around and tried to integrate those feelings into this chapter. I hope you all enjoy it. And thank you so much for 700+ views. It's uplifting and encouraging to know people actually look at my work. <3

* * *

  _I'll wrap up my bones_  
_And leave them out of this home..._

 _Two hands longing for each others warmth_  
_Cold smoke seeping out of colder throats_  
_Darkness falling, leaves nowhere to go_  
  
_It's spiraling down_  
_Biting words like a wolf howling_

~ _Still_ Daughter

* * *

Hera dragged her feet heavily across the floor, her gaze fixed on her quarters down the hall, ready to drop onto her bed and pass out for about ten hours. Their mission had been a success and after checking back in with Ahsoka, they had been free to leave. However, the exhausted team passed on the celebration of their small victory, opting instead for the beckoning comfort of sleep. Hera had left Chopper in charge of the ship, as the rest of her crew were already in bed, and she planned to follow their example.

Palming her door, Hera trudged through the opening and stood in the middle of her room for a moment, the door sliding shut again with a soft hiss. In the dim light of her cabin, Hera unfastened the top part of her pilot suit, revealing the plain tank underneath, and slipped her arms out, letting the uniform settle around her waist. She then tugged off her helmet, setting it and her gloves aside. Kicking off her boots, Hera heaved out a heavy breath and tried to keep herself awake long enough to make it to her bunk.

Upon turning towards her bed, Hera's eyes settled on an achingly familiar green shirt lying strewn across her floor. Bending down to pick it up with trembling fingers, she hovered over the shirt for a moment, almost afraid to touch it. Eventually, her back began to scream in protest from being bent over so long, so Hera carefully scooped up the shirt and sat back on her bunk, holding the cold material close to her chest. Moving the garment up to her face, Hera pressed her nose into the wrinkled folds of the fabric, breathing in deeply. Kanan's comforting scent was still lingering faintly in the stitches of his shirt, even if it hadn't been worn in weeks.

 _Weeks_.

Hera couldn't seem to wrap her head around the concept that Kanan had been gone such a while. Yet she still felt like he had been standing beside her, supporting her and her choices, only yesterday. Deep down, Hera knew that Ahsoka and her crew were right. She had to move on and accept that Kanan was not going to come back this time. But even just the mere thought of it sent stabs of pain through her chest. It felt as if she were trying to breath with shards of glass in her lungs. Life without Kanan hurt and Hera didn't want it to hurt. She wanted Kanan back.

Sighing shortly, her breath warmed against her face as Kanan's shirt repelled her released breath back against her cheeks. Hera listlessly pushed herself further back into her bunk until she felt her shoulders bump up against the cold metal wall behind her. Pressing into the cool Durasteel, Hera clutched Kanan's shirt even closer against her chest, pulling her knees up as well, and tried to find some kind of peace within herself.

Hera felt herself beginning to list sideways, her eyelids drooping heavily, when a soft knock sounded at her door. Jolting upright, Hera set the green fabric aside on her pillow before shoving to her feet and moving to answer her door. It was too late at night and Hera was too exhausted and too wrapped up in her thoughts of Kanan to bother wondering who was at her door at this hour.

She found her answer anyway when the door slid aside and put Hera face to face with Ezra. Or rather, they would have been face to face, if Ezra hadn't been staring at the ground.

"Ezra?" Hera questioned softly, her voice sounded scratchy and pitched due to the recent lack of use for the past few hours. Trying for a steadier tone, Hera reached out to the young Jedi and slipped her hand onto his shoulder, giving it a gentle, and hopefully, reassuring squeeze. "Is everything okay?"

The boy tried for a nod, only to have his intended gesture fall into trembling, his shoulder wracking underneath Hera's grip. Surprised by his sudden loss of control, Hera led Ezra inside and sat him down on her bunk, sliding onto the mattress next to him. She let him curl into a ball, retreating to the back of her bunk as she had moments earlier. After a breath, Hera joined him, poised next to him with one hand reaching over to her pillow so she could hold a fold of Kanan's shirt between her fingers. For some reason, the presence of his shirt gave her something to ground herself with.

"I miss him," Ezra's whisper almost didn't register with Hera, despite the heavy silence that lay over the room. She paused, turning her head to look at the boy next to her. They hadn't really had a proper conversation since what had happened with Kanan, and now Ezra had come to her in the middle of the night, to talk willingly.

"I miss him, too," Hera responded, her voice soft and laced with a deep-seated longing that she couldn't mask, no matter how hard she tried. There was a part of Hera that was grateful for Ezra's presence, it made her feel a little less alone in her grief. But at the same time, all she really wanted was to be alone so she could privately mourn over Kanan's loss.

It was then that Hera heard a strangled noise beside her. It was somewhere between a hiccup and a sob, muffled by the hand that Ezra had clapped over his mouth. There were tears streaking down the Padawan's face, his shoulders shaking from the force of his suppressed crying. Hera could tell that the boy was fighting for control, a fight he was obviously losing.

Pulling herself closer to Ezra, Hera enveloped the younger boy in her arms, pressing him into a hug as she carded one hand through his hair. The Twi'lek attempted to make a hushing noise, trying to soothe Ezra, but it came out wobbly and not at all reassuring. A stinging heat pricked at the back of Hera's eyes and formed a lump in her throat, her vision starting to swim as tears pooled up against her will. Hera bit her lip, turning her sob into an odd sounding hiccup as her traitorous tears spilled over her lids and raced down her cheeks.

"H-He just l-left us," Ezra choked out, leaning into Hera as his sobs wracked him full-bodily. "He said he'd be right behind m-me. And now-" Ezra broke off, falling into a new, harsher bout of crying.

Hera pressed her lips together, fighting for control the same way Ezra had been. She wanted nothing more than to completely break down the way Ezra was right now. But she knew that she needed to try and be strong for his sake, because if they both broke down, they would never benefit from it. But as hard as she fought, Hera couldn't stop the hot tears tracking down her flushed cheeks. Eventually, she gave in, allowing herself to release her emotions as she hadn't before. Of course, she had been crying silently ever since that first night she spent alone, but she had never completely broken down.

Hera curled in on herself, holding Ezra's shaking form closer as she felt the first sob escape her chest. The noise she made was harsh and quick, filling up the space for a brief moment before she fell silent again. Her tears were falling freely now, Hera's throat feeling hot and her chest feeling tight with a pressure that demanded to be set free. Hera, who was tired of her silent suffering and constant pain, was more than willing to oblige.

The harsh sobs that were now freely falling from Hera's lips slowly began to alleviate the suffocating weight in her chest, making it a little easier to breathe. But the ever present hole that yawned in Hera's chest still demanded to be filled, to be compensated for Kanan's absence. And Hera had no idea how to fill it. She didn't know where to begin repairing the damage or how to patch up the wounds his death had left behind. Hera struggled to just communicate with her own crew on a daily basis; she had no idea how people expected her to move on from something so incapacitating.

"Hera?" Ezra's hoarse voice cut through her hysteria, pulling her back from the dark thoughts that had been encircling her and dragging her down and away from what was happening. His voice was so small, and raw with such emotion that it wounded Hera. He was too young to sound so sad and have such a broken expression painted across his face. Wiping roughly at her eyes with the heels of her hands, Hera straightened up and released her hold on the young Padawan.

"Are you okay, Hera?" Ezra asked, readjusting his position so he could face her, sitting cross-legged on her bunk. Hera mirrored his position before looking up and managing to meet the boy's eyes.

What she saw startled her. Ezra's eyes were trained on Hera, red and puffy from crying, the normal sparkle of life and mischief missing from his stunning irises. He looked older, not as young as he used to. Hera supposed that it came from being tired. She knew from Zeb that Ezra hadn't been sleeping very well, yet he never made a fuss about it, he hadn't complained. Ezra instead suffered along quietly and performed as he was supposed to aboard the ship.

A lot like Hera was doing.

"I'm okay," Hera said, her voice soft and scratchy from her rough sobbing. Ezra gave her look, his expression showing that he knew better.

"I'll be okay," Hera amended with a sigh. She cast her eyes down for a moment, watching her fingers pick at a hangnail before she leveled her gaze with Ezra's.

"What about you? I may not be a Jedi, but I know that you could be better. And I know from Zeb that you've been restless, you haven't been sleeping."

Ezra suddenly became very interested in a fraying seam on his pants, obviously uncomfortable now that the topic had shifted to him. The boy lifted a shoulder in a very noncommittal and unconvincing shrug, pulling a look from Hera. She shifted closer, snuffling as she did. She still felt as if she were about to burst back into tears at any moment. Reaching out, she placed a hand over top of Ezra's.

"Do you want to talk about what's bothering you? I've learned recently that it's better to have someone help you work through something like this rather then bottle it all up inside." Hera bit back the overwhelming feeling of hypocrisy that swept over her. Sure she had learned that, but she had hardly put it into practice.

Ezra visibly hesitated, his gaze shifting around uncomfortably, unsure, as he looked everywhere around the cabin except at Hera. However, the Twi'lek didn't budge in her resolve. She continued to watch Ezra's face, waiting for him to finally look at her so she could actually talk to him. After a long, drawn out moment, Ezra finally raised his eyes to Hera's, his irises swimming with fresh tears.

"I'm tired of losing my family," Ezra whispered, his voice choked up and hardly loud enough for Hera to hear. But she understood, oh did she understand the heaving pain that pushed the words out, carrying a weight beyond imagination for someone who hadn't lost a loved one. As she reached around him, rubbing the sobbing boy's back with one hand and his arm with the other hand, Ezra managed to continue speaking as he cried.

"I had to watch my mom and dad get dragged away by stormtroopers when I was seven years old. I-I was hiding in a closet, my mom had shoved me in there, told me h-hide. To n-not make a sound. And I just watched. I couldn't d-do a-anything. I was such a c-coward. I let them go w-without putting up a f-f-fight or anything! A-And now K-Kanan's-" Ezra broke off, covering his mouth with his hand, curling in on himself.

Hera held Ezra closer, her chest aching for the boy sobbing in her arms. She had known that the Empire had done something to Ezra's parents, thanks to Seebo's intel. But she had never known that Ezra had had to watch the troopers drag them away. Hera thought that seeing that happen might be worse for Ezra rather than if he hadn't seen them being taken at all. Maybe it would have been better for Ezra if he had just happened to come home to an empty house. But Hera couldn't change what had happened to him, just like she couldn't change what had happened to her.

Letting out a deep breath, Hera felt as if neither of them would run out of tears to shed as fresh tears pricked up in her own eyes. Hera continued to rub Ezra's back soothingly and spoke softly.

"I lost my family, too. I was only a little girl, I still lived on Ryloth, my people's homeworld. When the Republic fell, the troopers came and started taking some of us away, killing others, leaving the rest to poverty. It was horrible." Hera paused to take another breath, steadying herself as her tears fell anew. Ezra had uncurled and was watching her with wide eyes, listening intently.

"My father was a rebellion leader during the years of the Clone Wars on my planet. He inspired the people into fighting with the Jedi who came to aid us, to take back our village, our home. When the troopers came, my siblings and I, along with the rest of our village...we were forced to watch him be executed. And as a little girl, that left a mark."

Ezra's eyes had widened as Hera spoke, his posture open and relaxed as he listened, obviously feeling better about being around Hera. The Twi'lek had guessed from Ezra's story and his actions during their talk that he had been afraid to face her. Hera supposed that he might have felt guilty about what happened to Kanan, the same way Hera had felt responsible for Kanan's death. Maybe she and Ezra were more alike then she had originally thought.

"W-What happened after that?" Ezra asked nervously, obviously unsure if he was intruding too far with the question. Sighing, Hera shook her head, lekku swinging freely without her helmet on.

"A _lot_ happened after that, Ezra. Too much to tell and not all of it pleasant..." Hera paused, forcibly repressing memories that threatened to surface. "But, eventually, I traveled to an Outer Rim planet known as Gorse. And that's where I met Kanan." A gentle grin tugged at the corners of Hera's mouth, her eyes sparkling a little as she remembered the night she had ran into her counterpart on the filthy backwater world's rundown streets.

"Meeting him was...an interesting experience, to say the least. And somehow we managed to come out of that ordeal together and mostly unscathed. And after that, we just kept going together. Eventually we picked up Chopper, Sabine, Zeb, and you. And it seems weird to say, being in the middle of a rebellion and all, but these have been some of the best days of my life. I feel like I finally have a family again."

Ezra and Hera both quieted and glanced at each other.

"Even now that Kanan's gone, it still feels like a family," Hera spoke after a moment of intense silence, voicing the elephant in the room created by her previous statement. "And maybe...maybe we haven't properly said goodbye to Kanan. Maybe it's time we did."

Ezra stared at Hera in silent shock for a long, suspended moment. Hera wondered if Ezra would rebuke her, retreat back into the shell he had created for himself and avoid contact with the woman. Hera had merely suggested the idea because she knew that if they didn't find some sort of closure, the two of them would eventually spiral into their own private forms of depression, never really moving on. She was pleasantly surprised when Ezra eventually relaxed and nodded in agreement.

"I...I think that's a good idea," the boy said softly, his voice trembling with emotion as he began to list sideways. Hera was there to support him as Ezra started to drift off to sleep.

Hera would work out all the details later, but right now, she was just grateful that Ezra had finally opened up to her. She had missed talking to him, missed knowing that he trusted her enough to tell her what was bothering him. Having their connection reestablished gave Hera something new to hold on to, to help herself get through this. And even better, she wasn't alone now. She had her crew.

Running her hand up and down Ezra's arm as the boy drifted off to sleep, Hera found herself humming quietly, an old lullaby that her mother had sung almost every night to her on Ryloth. The swell in the Twi'lek's chest urged her to open her mouth and sing the pleasant melody aloud. Usually Hera only sung when she was around Kanan, and when it was late at night. She was self-conscious about her voice, even after all the times Kanan had reassured her that she had a lovely voice. She always figured that he was just saying that because he loved her, but he had continued to insist.

Opening her mouth to sing, Hera's voice carried sweetly from her lips, filling the space of her cabin with a warm, loving aura.

_"Do dey ji ann, ji ann dey san_

_lle'an cli ji no'ea bo ji si'vuri vyals alb_

_Ea, jid ji juh cea lle'an kue san_

_lle'an kue ji uru Do anan."_

As she sang, Hera remember her childhood on Ryloth, surrounded by her family and friends, living in a vibrant world and knowing that she was loved. Hera tried to put all of her emotion, all of her happy remembrances into her voice, attempting to weave her words with golden memories to pass on to Ezra as he slept quietly against her shoulder. The older woman wanted Ezra to feel safe, despite his present situation, the way she had felt when she was home.

_"Kukae ji vuren, kukae ji sie,_

_tohso ootay sei voe ohk jorhi ar ohk_

_Ea, jid ji jud cea lle'an kue san_

_lle'an kue ji uru Do anan."_

Finishing the lullaby, her voice softening near the end until she quieted with the ending of the song, Hera glanced down at Ezra. He had fallen asleep and was now quietly breathing, his chest rising and falling steadily. She smiled at his peaceful face, worry and fatigue erased from his features in his relaxed state. The only marks to mar his smooth expression were the twin scars tracing across his cheek.

Leaning her head back against the wall, Hera allowed her eyes to drift shut and breathed deeply. She allowed herself to dare to hope that maybe, things would get better now. She dared to hope that she and her crew would be able to come out of this ordeal stronger, even though the price had been Kanan's life.


	5. Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is everyone! The final chapter of this installment. I feel like now is the best time to let you all know where the inspiration for this piece came from. A couple months ago, I lost someone that I've known for a very long time. She was battling a form of cancer and unfortunately lost her fight. I suppose this piece was my way of coping. I worked my own emotions and my own experiences with grief into the story. I did, in fact, follow the five stages of grief and used professional descriptions of how some people work through each stage. Everyone goes through them differently and this was what helped me through. I hope you all enjoyed this and I'm open to comments and critique.

* * *

_You've held your head up you've fought the fight_  
_You bear the scars you've done your time_  
_Listen to me you've been lonely, too long_  
  
_Let me in the walls you've built around_  
_We can light a match and burn them down_  
_Let me hold your hand and dance 'round and 'round the flames_  
_In front of us dust to dust_

_~ Dust to Dust_ The Civil Wars

* * *

At the time, the funeral had seemed like a good idea. A few hours set aside for the whole crew to gather together to say a final farewell to Kanan, something not all of them had gotten the chance to do with others in the past. But now, Hera wasn't so sure she would be able to go through with it. And the fact that Ezra and the other two were relying solely on Hera to have everything prepared was not, in any way, helping.

Hera wanted to do this, and she admitted to herself that she probably needed this almost as much as the rest of her team. However, there was a certain finality that came with doing something like this. She knew it was ridiculous, that a proper farewell was a healthy way to grieve over a loss, but she was still scared. Hera was terrified that once she had said her piece and watched the pyre burn, it would be over, that Kanan would really be gone.

She was terrified that she was now faced with the idea of completely accepting Kanan's death.

Hera was curled up on her bunk again, knees drawn up tightly to her chest and arms encircling her legs. Only three nights ago she had sat here with Ezra as they both cried over Kanan. The days after that had been kinder to Ezra than they had to her. While Ezra seemed to have been sleeping with more ease, Hera would lie awake at night and fret over the small funeral the crew expected her to plan. And of course, the panic had only set in once she had figured everything out. So now she had no excuse for stalling, other than her own personal feelings towards an event that _she_ had suggested.

With a sigh, Hera slumped sideways and dragged her pillow closer, burying her face into the soft material. She wished more than anything that someone were here to understand what Hera was feeling. She wished Kanan were here.

But he wasn't anymore, and that was the whole problem.

Finding herself right back where she had started, Hera let out a frustrated groan and rolled onto her stomach. Somehow all of her issues seemed to take root in the fact that Kanan was no longer around, and her apparent inability to work around that obstacle. Hera loved Kanan with every fiber of her being and missing him felt as if someone forcibly ripped away half her limbs every morning when she woke up without him beside her.

Kanan's green shirt was still splayed across the top of her pillow, the soft fabric falling in messy folds over the sloping curve of it. Reaching out, Hera rubbed the material between her thumb and forefinger, eyes trained intently on the movement. She knew that she had to have this funeral, if not for herself, then for the rest of her crew. She couldn't deny them that closure, even if it terrified her.

Heaving herself up into a sitting position, Hera swung her legs over the side of the bed and stared across her cabin at the door. Steeling her nerves, Hera pushed away from the comforting embrace of her bunk and made her way out into the corridor. Once she was outside, the Twi'lek could hear her crew moving around in the galley, preparing food for themselves as they made quiet small talk. The aimless chatter was silenced abruptly though when Hera stepped into the doorway, her eyes cast to the floor as she continued to gather her resolve.

"I've been thinking everything through," she began, her eyes moving up to meet the expectant gazes of her crew only after she had begun talking. "And I think I can organize everything for...Kanan, by tomorrow evening. If that's okay with all of you."

The silence that followed her words unnerved Hera and she ducked her head down, feeling foolish for bringing this up now. But not even a moment later, there was a hand on her shoulder, prompting Hera to pull her gaze away from her boots and she met Sabine's golden irises with confusion sparkling in her own.

"Thank you, Hera, for organizing this," the teen said with genuine gratitude thick in her voice. "But maybe you should take some time for yourself tonight and prepare for this. The rest of us are ready, and we want to make sure that you are too."

Hera had to bite the inside of her cheek to prevent herself from breaking down in tears right there, in front of her crew. She forced a tight-lipped grin onto her face and gave the kids a short nod. Turning, Sabine's hand slipped away from her shoulder, allowing Hera to retreat, the walk back towards her cabin brisk as she struggled to hold herself together.

There wasn't much left for Hera to do, once she made it behind her door, besides collapse to the floor and allow her sobs to wrack their way out of her chest. The funeral was going to happen, and Hera was going to have to set everything up and make sure that it was the send off Kanan deserved. She was going to have to be there, have to light an empty pyre, since they had been forced to leave Kanan's body on the Star Destroyer. Hera would have to finally say goodbye in a formal way, in a way that she couldn't take back. The funeral was going to be the final send off, her final farewell to the man she had fallen in love with.

Sucking in a sharp, desperate breath, Hera blinked as her vision swam and wrapped her arms around her middle, hugging herself tightly.

When she had began this mission all those years ago, she had told herself that there was no time for love in her life, that she would have to sacrifice that kind of relationship for the greater good. But meeting Kanan had taken that promise to herself, her oath to never drag a significant other down with her, and shattered it into pieces. She had found someone willing to travel with her, share in her goals and mission, and love her despite her claim of not having the time for something so trivial as love.

And now, Kanan was gone for good. Because she had let her feelings guide her instead of her logic.

Hera, still hugging herself, pulled her knees up close to her chest and pressed her forehead against her kneecaps. She sobbed again and shook her head, curling further in on herself as she did. Memories of Kanan's presence clung to her thoughts like cobwebs, refusing to let Hera rest in peace. They constantly made her feel as if there were still some lingering around her, making her skin itch as she tried to brush them away. Hera didn't want to forget Kanan, but she wanted to stop feeling so irritated and depressed every time his name crossed her mind.

_Then don't forget,_ Kanan's voice spoke softly in Hera's mind.

She stiffened and felt her breath catch uncomfortably in her throat. It hadn't really been Kanan's voice, just a memory that her mind had conjured up in her despair. Hera remembered when he had said that to her, about a year or two after they had started traveling together. She had woken up screaming from a rare nightmare, alerting Kanan who had still been awake. It had taken a few moments for Kanan to calm her down, and a handful of moments more for him to get Hera to talk. She had been disoriented from her nightmare then, but she remembered their discussion clearly now.

_Kanan reached out and placed his hand over top of Hera's, drawing her frightened eyes up to his. His gaze was patient, open, and kind as he prompted Hera to tell him what had disturbed her sleep._

_"I know you don't want to share, Hera," Kanan said, his voice soft and comforting. "But sometimes it's better to put it out in the open, to let it go. Maybe then it won't disturb you."_

_There was something in Kanan's voice that seemed to soothe Hera's nerves; a calming presence that was slowly working its way into her bones, into her very being. It whispered in her ear that things would be okay, that it had only been a dream and she didn't have anything to fear now that she was awake. She wondered if Kanan was using some part of the Force to do this. She had finally gotten him to talk about his past a couple weeks ago, confirming that he was indeed part of the Jedi Order before it fell. And now he was trying to help Hera in a similar way._

_"It was my father," she finally heaved out with a sigh. "I had a nightmare about the day I had to watch him die. He was trying to protect our village, and they killed him publicly...and I had to watch."_

_Hera buried her face in her hands then, shoulder's shaking with the effort of suppressed sobs. And then she felt Kanan's arm slide around her shoulders, pulling her close and enveloping her in a calming, warm embrace._

_"I just want to forget that it happened. It hurts to remember," Hera whispered, her voice breaking over her choked out words. "But if I forget, then it'll only hurt more and-" Hera broke off, voice completely failing her._

_"Then don't forget," Kanan whispered, rubbing his hand along her upper arm in a soothing gesture. "Use the pain as a drive, Hera. Let it fuel your strength. If the Empire took your father from you, then you have every right to be upset, to burn that memory into your mind and take their corrupt regime down."_

_Looking up, Hera's eyes searched Kanan's face as she wiped her tears away with the heel of her hand._

_"Is that what you do? You think about your people and let that drive you?" Her voice was tentative, a barest breath of a whisper, as if her normal tone would carry too much weight, would shatter Kanan into fragments. Hera watched his expression tighten a fraction before he gave her the briefest nod._

_"Yes, I do. Most of the time it's too painful to really think about it. But just remembering that the Empire is the reason they're all gone is enough to keep me going. So don't forget it, but you don't always have to think about it. If you let it consume you, then you will lose yourself along the way."_

_Pausing for a moment, Kanan got a far off look in his eye, his gaze drifting just above Hera's head. "My Masters used to teach us that attachments were something we should avoid. But at the same time, the Force connected us to every living thing in the universe, and we were supposed to remember those we lost. I never really understood it...until I was on my own. They wanted us to be able to connect to others, but not let personal relationships stop us from thinking of everyone before individuals."_

_Hera watched Kanan, as he seemed to snap back into himself in front of her. His bright eyes wandered down to her face and he gave her an odd look. "Did any of that make any sense to you?"_

_The Twi'lek woman laughed and leaned into Kanan's hold. "Most of it, yes. There is one thing I don't understand though."_

_Kanan leaned them both back against the wall Hera's bed was tucked against. He hummed in question, prompting Hera to continue._

_"If Jedi are forbidden from having personal attachments, then what exactly is this?" She asked, gesturing to their intimate position, watching Kanan closely._

_The Jedi's expression remained neutral, as he stayed silent for a few heartbeats. Hera wondered if he was thinking about her question, or finding the hypocrisy between his words and his actions. It took him a few moments, but Kanan did eventually answer Hera._

_"This," he began, repeating Hera's gesture. "Is change. After what happened, Jedi like myself would find it harder to observe a teaching like that. And maybe everything I was taught at the Temple doesn't have to apply to me now. Maybe it never did."_

_Hera wanted to ask Kanan what exactly he meant by that, but she decided against it. She knew that delving too deeply into Kanan's past too quickly would not be good for either of them; and she could feel her eyes drifting shut as she dissuaded herself from asking._

Hera shook her head, feeling strange after remembering that long ago conversation. Both she and Kanan had gone into their relationship with reasons to believe that maybe it wouldn't work out between them, that they shouldn't even be considering a relationship in the first place. But in the end, they had found something better, a stronger reasoning that their love was more valid than the reasons they had had against it.

Feeling more at peace with herself than she had in weeks, Hera stumbled to her feet and made her way over to her bed. Setting her accessories aside, Hera flopped onto her stomach and drifted easily off to sleep, her thoughts of Kanan no longer irritating cobwebs, but a warm and reassuring aura lulling her to sleep.

* * *

The following evening approached far too quickly for Hera's liking. Despite her peaceful sleep last night, she still felt as if she would break down at any moment. Hera watched as her crew filed off the ramp of the Ghost to join her at the pyre she had built with Chopper and Ezra's help a few hours before. They had landed in a rather open area on the surface of Lothal earlier that morning, Hera enlisting Ezra's help since he knew the area better than she did. They had gathered up some spare wood, and other materials that would burn easily, to build Kanan's ceremonial pyre.

Hera had reassured her crew that morning that she was okay with going through with the funeral. Hera was really okay with doing this, knowing that it was important to the kids, and to her. But she still felt sensitive about the whole thing. Remembering Kanan's advice about her father was helping her stand here now, as they got ready to say farewell to Kanan.

Taking a steadying breath, Hera walked up to the pyre with measured steps. As she stood before it, she placed a gloved hand on the rough, dry wood. She brushed her fingers over the surface of a log for a moment before she turned to face her crew. What little resolve she had worked up was already crumbling.

"Kanan," Hera began, pausing to clear her throat and beginning again. "Kanan wasn't just my best friend. He was my partner, my confidant, and my rock. I knew him for years and we knew almost everything about each other. I trusted Kanan with my life, and I..." Hera had to pause here as her voice cracked. She looked down at her boots as her vision began swimming with tears already.

"I-I remember Kanan telling me one time, that he remembered almost everything that he had learned at the Temple when he was training to become a Jedi. He said that some teachings he still followed, and others he could no longer follow. Not because he disagreed with them or found them to be something he didn't want to follow, but because he was unable to due to the changes in the galaxy. Kanan would tell me that he still thought about all the lessons he couldn't put into practice.

"In a way, I think that we need to do the same thing. We need to remember Kanan, even if he isn't here. We don't have to always think about him, because that would cause too much pain. But we shouldn't...we _can't_ forget about him, or his sacrifice. Kanan was, and still is, very important to this team and to our mission. He was important to all of us individually. Personally, he was everything to me. I...I loved him, even when things were dangerous and it had no place in our situation, I loved him because he stood by me when anyone else would have turned tail. And I will miss him, and I wish I could have let him know how much I still appreciate everything he did for me."

Hera wanted to continue, she had so much to say about Kanan; the man she loved so fiercely with everything she had. But her voice wouldn't work anymore. It was stuck in her chest and she had to cover her mouth with her hand to stifle a sob. As she stood there, Ezra came up to her and gave her a gentle nudge towards the others. Hera obliged the teen's wish and walked over to Zeb and Sabine, the latter meeting her with a comforting arm around the older woman's shoulders.

"I didn't know Kanan very long, but he taught me a lot," Ezra began quietly, his eyes already misty. "I lost my parents years ago and meeting someone like Kanan, someone who seemed to fill that empty part of my life, it felt too good to be true. He was my teacher, but he was also like a father to me. I don't think I deserved to have someone as incredible as Kanan watching out for me, but I'm really glad I did. And…I-I hope I can m-make him proud."

Ezra short speech was ended as he was suddenly reduced to tears. Covering his face with one hand, Ezra grit his teeth and moved quickly back to the group, unable to continue. Hera met the young teen with open arms, holding him close as Sabine took Ezra's place in front of the pyre. As tough as the Mandalorian girl made everyone think she was, her puffy, red eyes now betrayed her.

"Kanan was a lot like a father to me, like Ezra said," Sabine began, her voice trembling slightly as she clenched and unclenched her fists at her side. "He wasn't always easy to get along with, but he was always there for me. Despite everything we've gone through lately, all the challenges and even...losing him, I'm so grateful that I met him.

"He got me out of the Imperial Academy on Mandalore a few years ago, and I owe him my life for that. I know that he would say I don't owe him anything, but I'm not sure he really knew just how much he changed my life. And I-I hope that he's with his people now...b-because he deserves to be with them."

Sabine's lips stumbled into a teary smile, her voice breaking at the end of her piece. Exchanging places with Zeb, Sabine wiped quickly at her eyes and stood on Hera's other side, leaning her head against the older woman's shoulder. Hera knew that Sabine was trying to regain her composure, but the telltale sniffles coming from Sabine gave the teen away.

Zeb stood facing Kanan's pyre for almost a full minute, his shoulders trembling visibly as the Lasat simple shook his head from side to side.

"He didn't deserve to go out like that," Zeb's gruff voice finally reached the crew, watching the large man's back as he continued. "Kanan was my friend, he helped me through what happened with my people. Kanan was tough, strong, and he should have come out of there alive."

Hera could tell that Zeb had so much he wanted to say. The Lasat wanted to growl, scream, and shout to the skies above until the entire galaxy could hear his pain ridden voice. He wanted everyone to know that Kanan was a hero, that he didn't deserve to die, that he was a martyr. Kanan deserved to be remembered as more than a simple rebel who happened to die for a cause.

But Zeb couldn't carry on. He walked back over to the others, his head bowed and expression hidden from them.

Hera took that as her cue, releasing Ezra from her hold and gently moving out from under Sabine's head where it was still resting on her shoulder. She stooped to grab a stray branch that had been set aside earlier, it's end soaked in oil. Hera now quickly sent a spark onto the soaked wood using two nearby rocks. Scooping up the branch, Hera watched as the end caught fire, the flames eagerly taking over the oil soaked part of the branch.

The flames danced with color, leaping and burning brightly with the oil, as Hera carried the branch over to the pyre. Taking a deep breath, Hera gripped the burning torch tighter, her fingers curling around the base and brushing against the heel of her hand. Relaxing the tension in her shoulder, she lowered the flames onto the pyre and released the branch on top of the pile of wood. She took a couple of steps back, watching as the small flame quickly overtook the large stack of tinder. The fire licked away at the dry kindling and soon the entire pyre was covered in leaping, dancing flames. The soft orange and yellow glow reflected off of the faces of Hera and her crew as the sky above Lothal grew darker with the encroaching night.

As the gentle heat flushed against Hera's face, she swallowed hard and tried to imagine Kanan as he had been. Tall, strong, his presence not something easily missed. She pictured his warm smile that could turn cocky and arrogant in a heartbeat. Hera pulled forth the memories of his hand on her shoulder, roaming down her arm and catching hold of her hand. She recalled his voice and the way he could say her name with such reverence and love that it would make her skin tingle with warmth. Hera had always felt his love for her radiating off of Kanan's very being whenever he was around her. And knowing that she would never feel that again was like a blow to her chest.

With watering eyes, Hera looked on at the glowing pyre and took in a breath before she began to sing.

_"Ea, sei anan, sei vilahur_

_Do fic si'hisa toe dei cuev_

_A jorhi, kor canka_

_Vil canka eli tae cei si'likeki_

_Vil canka toyid nie cei su'si_

_Ohk dan karnoyi dura?"_

Hera was very much aware of the eyes of her crew resting fixedly on her as she sang. Despite the tremble of her lips as she suppressed her sobs, Hera's voice carried clearly and melodiously over the open plains. She wanted the swell of her words and the pitch of each note to sound clear enough to reach Kanan, wherever he was, so that he would always know of her love for him. With her vision blurred and making the flames before her appear watery, Hera continued to sing.

_"Do laboo dei anan, Do laboo dei anan_

_Bea rikeket dei anan ar san_

_Kor reyae n'u_

_Ka sie, ka sie_

_Ka si'calh alh bo ji sie."_

Her tears were falling quickly now, racing down the curve of her cheeks as she paused to choke down a sob. She was determined to finish the song, even as her voice began to waver. She wanted Kanan to hear her one last time, even if it reduced her to tears; he was going to hear her song.

" _Kor reyae onjah_

_'Asary toe san, asary toe san'_

_Do cahsinark ohk dao favna; asary toe san."_

Having finished her song, Hera dropped to her knees as soon as the last melodic word fled her lips. She buried her face in her hands and sobbed roughly, her shoulders heaving with the force of her cry. Her tears flowed freely now as Sabine and Ezra knelt on either side of their captain. Hera knew that they were offering her comfort even as they both openly cried with her. And while she couldn't see him, Hera guessed that Zeb was standing over them with Chopper, most likely trying to hold in his grief for their sakes.

They stayed like that, Zeb standing over Hera, Ezra, and Sabine, as they watched the pyre burn down to a large pile of ash. The sky had grown completely dark, the moons of Lothal hanging in the sky as countless stars shone down on the battered _Ghost_ crew. They stared at ashes for a while longer, before they finally accepted reality, and trudged back to the ship.

* * *

The ship had been silent for most of the day following Kanan's funeral. Hera spent most of it cooped up in the cockpit as she fiddled with controls and had Chopper make sure everything was functioning properly. However, towards the end of the day, Hera became restless, her chair suddenly feeling to uncomfortable to sit in any longer. Pushing herself to her feet, Hera walked to her cabin and gathered up some supplies in her arms and made her way to the galley.

Finding the rest of her crew silently sitting in various places around the room, Hera tried for a smile as she got their attention. Hefting her bundle a little higher into her arms, Hera looked around at her crew.

"How about a holovid marathon tonight? I think we could all use it."

After a few moments of watching the others quietly look around at each other’s, Hera's face split into a grin as they all agreed and moved to help Hera set the blankets she was carrying on the floor. She had purposefully grabbed a large pile of them so they could spread out with enough room for all of them to fit.

As Ezra and Sabine disappeared to gather up an armful each of pillows, Zeb helped Hera in setting up the holo-projector. Once they were all settled in, Hera pulled a cheeky smirk as she put on a random B-list movie from her pile. She and Kanan had picked them out at some random market during their travels. It had been a particularly boring day for them both and they had come to the mutual decision that laughing their asses off at crappy holovids was the best cure.

Now, Hera was certain that these old videos would successfully lift the dismal atmosphere from the _Ghost_ , even if just for a couple of hours.

Sure enough, her crew was breathless with laughter at the crappy depiction of various species and fighting techniques within the first half of the holovid Hera had put on. She couldn’t help but feel satisfied with herself as the night went on and the laughter only increased.

By the time she put on the fourth video, Sabine had claimed Ezra’s stomach as a pillow and drifted off somewhere near the end of the second movie, Ezra not far behind her. Zeb had dozed off around the start of the cheesy climatic battle of the third movie and was now snoring peacefully.

Hera reclined back against her mound of pillows and glanced over at the slumbering form of Ezra. His face was so young looking in the dim, flickering light of the holo-projector. He reminded her of Kanan more and more everyday, probably because of how much the kid looked up to his Master. Hera knew how much Ezra really missed Kanan, and she could honestly relate. She knew that her entire crew, herself included, wasn’t really over what had happened. But they had accepted the fact that it had. All that was left now was to keep on going and hope that they would be okay in the end.

Head bobbing with the effort of staying awake, Hera felt her eyes begin to droop shut, the weight of exhaustion heavy on her lids. Eventually, she slipped into a peaceful slumber, the soft snores of her crew mixing with the muffled voices from the holo-projector. And for the first time since Kanan’s death, Hera felt entirely content.


End file.
